The Christmas Crap Countdown: The Morning After

…So even though Christmas has passed, and the gift wrap has been disposed of and the kids are already complaining that they’re bored, I wanted to add one last post. Partly because the last few days of the Countdown went to the dogs (due to work, social obligations, and a nasty cold/flu that has left me feeling crappier than any of the stuff you saw in these posts); and partly because I had to, just had to, leave you with one last item: The Christmas Countdown Calendar!

Yes, in case you’re one of those fanatics whose year begins and ends with December 25–or if you’ve enjoyed The Christmas Crap Countdown just that much–here’s a perpetual calendar that keeps track of the weeks until that momentous day arrives. (Maybe I should get myself one of these for myself).

And that’s that. The Christmas Crap Countdown is officially over.

So what’s next, you may ask? For one thing, I’m going to take a week off from blogging to recover from this nasty bug and get caught up on the rest of my life (like, oh, maybe finally wrapping and sending gifts to my family).

And then….? Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is, there’s a million cool products and small stores and subjects I haven’t even touched upon yet. The world is my oyster.

In the meantime, thanks for having read any and all of the Christmas Crap Countdown. I’m really gratified to know that I’m not just shouting into a virtual bucket!

Merry Sickmas to all and to all Gesundheit.

I’m going back to bed now. Wake me when I’m better.

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 3

Day 3: The WTF?! Gift: Oinky the BBQ Condiment Pig

Among those who have come in close contact with Oinky the BBQ Condiment Pig, (i.e., my co-workers and myself) the consensus is pretty unanimous: This product is Creepy. As. Hell.

Part of what makes Oinky (which is what I call it, not the manufacturer, figuring it’s best to name my fears) so disturbing is that nobody can figure out exactly why it’s so creepy. A pig-shaped condiment bottle seems innocuous enough; but like oil portraits of clowns or the chin hair on your elderly aunt, the sight of Oinky invades that secret space in the your psyche where your darkest fears slumber. It’s all but guaranteed that the first words out of your recipient’s mouth will be something along the lines of, “WTF?”

It goes without saying that Oinky is not for everybody. But for those who enjoy dark humor and are fascinated by the more aberrant aspects of the world around us, this item will take place of pride on their kitchen shelf–and be used at every possible social opportunity.

You’ve been warned.

(Footnote: I would welcome anyone’s analysis as to why Oinky is so darned scary.)

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 4

Day 4: Stocking Stuffers!

4 more shopping days ’till Christmas–it’s getting down to the nitty-gritty, and time to fill in the gaps with…Stocking Stuffers!

To me, stocking stuffers are things so small and cheap—ahem: inexpensive—that they don’t stand alone as a real gift; but are so cool, they are a gift in themselves.

Here’s just a small sampling of things I would give:

Unicorno Blindbox

Unicorns are all the rage (though I don’t particularly like them). But even I have to admit, these little blind box unicorns are pretty stinking cute. (Confession: I bought some for my niece for Christmas. Hope she isn’t reading this!)

Kozik Labbit Stache Mini Plush

Mustaches are the rage too, and how better to show the love than to put it on a cute lil’ Labbit designed by artist Frank Kozik?

Goon Squad Mini Blind Box

If the above items were a bit too sweet for your gift recipient, how about a mini Goon Squad figure, also by Frank Kozik? It just ain’t Christmas without a hot-pink Reagan, I say. (All of the despots come in a variety of candy colors, but they’re blind boxes so you don’t know what you’re going to get ’till you get it–kind of like when they ruled.)

Abe Lincoln Bandages

The perfect antidote to the above. A little Abe goes a long way to making boo-boos feeling better. And your cuts will be sporting a damn fine-looking top hat and beard.

Emergency Inflatable Toast

Toast also makes you feel better. I like toast; don’t you like toast? Who doesn’t like toast? Of course they’re going to like this!

Bacon Candy Cane

People also like bacon. Peppermint bacon, on the hand…. But hell, it’s the thought that counts. You thought. It counts. The end.

Genital Hand Sanitizer

Because they so need this.

Condom Box

And this too.

Emergency Underpants

But I don’t want to know who needs this.

Knitted Brain Beanie

And everyone needs one of these–especially if their real one is sadly deficient.

Talk to the Hand Mitts

I’d give this because I really want some for myself and I’m hoping someone will reciprocate.

WTF Notepad

I already have this–and I think everyone else should have it too.

3D Memo Pad

With this memo pad, people will actually read your notes just because it’s so much fun.

Killer Magnets

Who doesn’t want to bitch out their roommate / husband  / wife / kids for leaving the milk out on the counter by tacking a note to the fridge with a knife? Also good for posting your New Year’s Resolutions with a little more intent than an ordinary magnet.

iPhone Fan

They say an iPhone can do anything, and they were right. Now it cools you off. Next it’ll be giving you a big hug and telling you that you’re doing a really good job.

Sumo Soap

Who doesn’t need Sumo Soap?! The thought of rubbing their fat little bellies gives me chills of pleasure.

Mother Baby Keychain

And this just gives me chills. So disgusting and bizarre, owning one is requisite. Ewwww.

But that makes me want to end my post with someone I haven’t really addressed yet: Moms. What do you give the woman who carried you inside herself like the keychain above and gave up the best years of her life raising you? (A little Jewish guilt here. ‘Cause I’m good at it.) I’m kind of at a loss, but here’s a few ideas:

Sitting Duck Clothespins

Yeah, no one likes housework, and clothespins seem an awfully weird gift idea, but they’re something your mom will probably think is adorable but never buy for herself because it’s a waste of money. So go ahead and waste your money for her.

Woodland Mini LED Porcelain Lights

Come on: These palm-sized porcelain LED table lights are a total no-brainer. You know she’s gonna love them.

Peace Pocket Magnet Set

Because everyone needs a little Peace this time of year, and for now and always.

I could go on and on… But I could go to bed now too. And I think I will.

The Countdown continues ticking tomorrow….

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 5

Day 5: Xanax Bracelet

Because working retail right about this time each  year, I need it. (And apparently so do my customers.)

‘Nuff said.

Time to get some well-earned rest after working a 40-hour week in just three days. Good night.

johnathan adler vice cannisters

yummy pharmacutical box

cocaine / herion salt and pepper by artist Dave Shrigley

rehab pill case by Retro-a-Go-Go

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 6

Day 6: DJ Cat Scratcher

You’ll probably justify buying this item by telling yourself it’s for your cat (or for the crazy lady next door who has all the cats and the very smelly house) but if you’re like me, this gift is entirely for you.

Because this product kills me. Absolutely slays me. Yes, I readily confess to gently mocking animals for the sheer joy of it (as evidenced in the Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats) but this time the cat turns the tables on me (literally!) by having a fun at my expense–namely, the 35 bucks that I shelled out for the dumb pleasure of watching my feline look silly as he sharpens his claws into pointed little blades of destruction–which my sofa will no doubt feel the brunt impact of in the upcoming days. (And that will cost me even more money. All because of a cardboard cat scratcher. Sheesh.)

Okay, so maybe not such a great gift idea after all. Perhaps you should play it safer with one of the equally ridiculous products below, both by the same manufacturer. Either way, your cat will thank you. You’ll know by the slightly less icy disdain with which it treats you. High praise for sure.

Stupid Pet Toy #1

Stupid Pet Toy #2

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 7

Here we are kids: The final week before Christmas! Let’s make it count!

Day 7: Flesh Notebook

There’s something intrinsically creepy about a 100-page notebook filled with close-ups of human flesh. Nipples, backs, belly buttons, biceps… Little scraps of skin that you’re supposed to “tattoo” with your doodles. (“No rude bits,” the ad copy claims, but that doesn’t make it feel any less sociopathically voyeuristic.)

I consider the Flesh Notebook to be more worthy of Urban Outfitters than a really cool boutique, but I’ll give it a dubious Christmas Crap pass for its slightly disturbing vibe. Besides, your mouth-breathing teenage brother who thinks Kat Von D is “the shit” will no doubt get a kick fantasizing that it’s her skin he’s penning his jailhouse-worthy drawings on. It also might be fun to take to your next staff meeting. Productivity numbers and market projections somehow seem more interesting when they’re jotted down on a woman’s spine. Plus, your co-workers will think you’re a complete freak.

And a word to the manufacturer: Add some “rude bits” next time around. Penning your masterpiece on a photo of an ass cheek is a lot more fun–and funnier–than feeling like a mainstream Hannibal Lecter who lacks conviction.

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 8

Day 8: White Elephant Gift #2: Baby Obama Doll

Oh, the humanity…

Is it just me, or is there something oddly disrespectful about portraying the man who represents our country on the global stage as an incredibly ugly infant with an oddly truncated body and man-breasts, who pees into an American flag?

I’m not quite sure what the manufacturer was going for when they created this doll, and I don’t think they were quite sure either. Their website states only that: “Baby Obama is an anatomically correct vinyl toy doll” (which on one hand is relief—as I’d hate to have insult added to injury by it being anatomically incorrect—but on the other hand is waaaay more information than ever I wanted to know about my prez). Seeing the little plastic pee-pee on this thing and knowing who it’s supposed to belong to just isn’t a happy path for the mind to travel.

And this isn’t a “political” thing: I don’t want to see an anatomically correct  Baby Bush doll or Baby Romney doll any more than I want to see Baby Obama. Do you?

The only thing this doll is good for is gifting to your loudmouth brother-in-law who can’t keep his political rants to himself; or taking to the office gift exchange simply for the plesaure of watching the discomfort levels rise exponentially when it’s unwrapped.

But for that, it’s very good. Very good indeed.

(Footnote: Do not gift this to Donald Trump. It doesn’t have a birth certificate, which no doubt Trump would use as evidence.)

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 9

Day 9: The Super Star Wars Gift  ‘Stravaganza!

Whoa–looks like Yoda is pretty excited about the impending holiday. Careful where you point that thing, old man.

Everybody knows at least one person who’s really, really into the Star Wars movie franchise. Or, if you’re like me, you know more than one of these types (henceforth called the Star Wars Nerd, or SWN for short). In fact, my sister, brother-in-law and niece are all Star Wars Nerds. (My sister’s wedding dress was fashioned after Princess Amadala’s handmaidens’ outfits, and the wedding topper on their launchpad-themed cake was a pair of Star Wars action figures.) I love them–and their beautiful obsession–dearly.

It isn’t easy shopping for the aforementioned Nerd. They’ve been huge fans most of their lives, so they already own most of the commonplace stuff, and naturally their tastes have refined with age. Herewith, I bring you some of the more unique Star Wars products available, for every Star Wars Nerd on your list.

May the shopping Force be with you.

For Grandma: At-At Senior Citizen Imperial Walker

Star Wars Nerds come in all ages. In fact, the greatest SWN of all–Jedi Master Nerd George Lucas–is pushing 70 himself. Indulge the Nerdiness–and neediness–of their advancing years with the At-At Senior Citizen Imperial Walker. Using this will make Gran feel powerful, invincible and cool–and when Disney starts releasing the new Star Wars movies, it’ll make standing in the hours-long lines so much easier. Gran may even be able to storm-troop her way to the front of the line with this thing, she’ll be so admired. My advice: be sure to be her escort for such outings.

For Grandpa: Admiral Akbar Singing Bass

I simply don’t know what to say about this. The item speaks for itself–literally. It dances to the Cantina song and utters Akbar’s famous line, “It’s a trap!”.

Grandfathers were the only folks who found the original singing bass amusing, so I can only assume it’s the AARP-aged SWN’s who would like this. But if you’ve got one of those on your list, be sure to get them one of these.

For Mom: Chocolate Death Star

You’ll need to use the Force to destroy this chocolatey evil confection that contains gooey fudge and cherries–if it doesn’t destroy you first with a sugary serotonin overload. But for most moms when it comes to chocolate, Strong, the Force is, as Yoda would say. Let the battle begin.

For Dad: R2D2 Barbeque Grill

Grill up some bantha meat in real style with this amazing R2D2 Barbeque. Dad will be the envy of every male SWN in the galaxy when they get a load of this. (Spoiler alert: After falling in love with this piece, I discovered that it’s a one-off by a guy named Philip Wise. I generally focus only on mass-produced products, not fan creations, but I posted it anyway because I think any man who wields his welder like a lightsaber could create one pretty easily. So consider it a DIY barbeque customization kit.)

For Hubby: Jedi Bathrobe

Your bleary-eyed man will look powerful and wise as he shuffles out of the bathroom in the morning, and his silence can be construed as deep thought, and not the fact that he would’ve still been asleep had you not kicked him awake to make him turn off the alarm. This semblance of knowledge and strength might find you newly attracted to your snoring, drooling, sleep-disheveled old man–and you both may find yourselves late for work…..

For Wife: R2D2 Bra

I don’t know if this product is geared towards female Star Wars Nerds, or for the male SWNs who consider cute robotic boobies a real turn-on. Either way, it’s a hoot(er). And something only a true Star Wars Nerd would want.

For the Man on the Dark Side: Darth Vader Slippers

 “Luke, I am your footwear….”

For the Newest Little Nerd: Yoda Knit Beanie

Man, I love making babies look silly. And this product is so perfect, since most infants look like Yoda anyway.

For the Littlest Rebel: Tauntaun Hobby Horse

There’s something kind of charming about the oldest and most basic of children’s toys being given a modern (albeit licensed) twist. Star Wars Nerd that I’m not, I would buy one for a little Nerd. Letting kids play games that use their imagination sure beats having them sit like lumps in front of a Playstation 3, at any rate.

For Rover: At-At Walker Costume

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You’re killing me. I can’t stop laughing. This takes the cake. Ha ha ha ha ha….. (Making pets look silly is even more fun than mocking babies.)

For the Man Who Has Everything: Han Solo in Carbonite Desk

I don’t know if I’d be deeply impressed by the coolness of the Executive that sat behind this desk, or intimidated by the implied message. Or maybe I’d just be fascinated by the desk; it lights up and everything. One thing for sure: I’m pretty sure I’d leave wanting to see this guy’s toy collection.

For the Nerd Who Lives on Hoth (or Fargo, ND): Wampa Ice Scraper

The fun they’ll have with this nifty ice scraper will keep them from wondering why in the world they’re living in such a Godforsaken cold place when they don’t have to. And hey, at least their arms will be warm, even if the rest of their bodies aren’t.

For the Scary Nerd Who’s Taken the Fantasy One Step Too Far: Star Wars Gun Targets

Keep this guy away from me.

For the “Fashion-Forward” Star Wars Nerd: Chewbacca Jacket

You might think they look like they’re wearing the family pet, but there’s no denying that this furry Chewbacca Jacket, complete with bandolier, will keep them warm in the cold holiday season. When they’re tired of looking like an outerspace Bigfoot, they can flip the jacket inside out to display a fur-free interior with the discrete Rebel Alliance logo sewn on the chest. (For the less fashion-forward and fuzzy-minded, there’s a more modest X-wing Pilot version.)

For All-Night Star Wars Movie Marathons: Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

You’ll be just as warm as Luke was on the icy planet Hoth when you curl up inside your very own tauntaun sleeping bag. (Check out the printed guts on the lining!) Let’s just hope it’s a bit drier than Luke’s night in a tauntaun was. And little less gooey.

For the Star Wars Nerd Family: Star Wars Family Car Stickers

Proof that Star Wars Nerds can be every bit as annoying as all the other people who advertise their procreative bliss on the backs of their vehicles. (Where did this weird practice come from, anyway?) Comes in a variety of themes to suit your family’s characteristics. Or completely screw with everyone’s heads by mixing and matching.

For the Star Wars Home: Lightsaber Candlestick

No elegant Star Wars Nerd home is complete without one of these scaled-down replicas of Darth Vader’s lightsaber sitting on the dining room table. This is a serious product that’s chrome-plated and comes nicely gift boxed. The base of the candlestick even screws off for a “more authentic look and feel”. Geez. Maybe I shoulda bought a pair of these for my sister and brother-in-law’s wedding gift.

For the Homemaker: Han Solo in Carbonite Ice Tray

Even I, not a big Star Wars fan, would be deeply impressed to be served a drink with one of  these cubes floating in it. ‘Course, I think I’d be too mesmerized by the sight of Han Solo slowly melting to actually drink anything. But that’s beside the point. I’d still dig it. (Side note: I have I feeling that the crafty person who created the Han Solo iPhone cover that I blogged about used this mold to make it. Not that it matters; the phone cover is still really damn cool.)

The Star Wars Christmas Round-up: or, Somehow, I Think We’ve Gone Off Message

Star Wars Storm Trooper Snowflake

Star Wars R2D2 String Lights

Star Wars Yoda Christmas Tree Topper

Really? Someone would hang this from their tree? No. Really??

In Closing…..

George Lucas thanks you for making his seasons bright–and lucrative. And I thank you for looking. Merry Intergalactic Holidays.

(Footnote: In all of my dedicated hunting, I could not find one JarJar Bix item. Guess he’s too awful to even parody. And where’s the love for C3PO?)

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 11 & Day 10

Yesterday’s post was sidelined by circumstances beyond my control:  After working a very busy 13-hour day on the frontlines in my store (we were down one manager), I came home to a power outage–in my apartment only. (And, no, I didn’t forget to pay my electric bill; strangely, some of my outlets still worked–including the one, thank God, that operates my coffee maker.)

Enough. Time to call it a day, kiss a glass of wine goodnight, pull the covers over my head, and pretend the day never happened.

So tonight I’m giving you two posts: what I would have posted yesterday if I could have, and tonight’s post too. Don’t say I don’t love ya!

Day 11: Googly Eyes for Christmas Trees

Remember the wide-eyed wonder you had as a kid when you’d see the tree on Christmas morning, looking twinkling and magical with all the presents underneath?

Well, now your tree can have that same wide-eyed wonder as it gazes at you, all with the help of these giant googly eyes. Real or not, the shocked amazement with which these kraken-sized plastic peepers greet you will have you dabbing on a touch of lipstick or even changing out that poor excuse of ripped boxers that you call pajamas before stepping foot into the living room. Who knows? The look in the poor tree’s eyes might even make you feel a bit guilty for cutting it down in its prime for just a few weeks of mindless frolic.

Nah… That kind of guilt is strictly a Jewish thing. And we don’t celebrate Christmas.

But you do. So enjoy your staring tree. And remember: It sees you when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake. It knows when you’ve been bad or good, so…

Beware.

Day 10: Hanukkah In Your Pocket

Non-Christians always get short-shrift this time of year. Even I, raised Jewish, have honored my religion’s holiday with a single blog post–and it was about Ugly Christmas Sweaters for Hanukkah. So that doesn’t even count, really.

So here’s a real shout-out to my peeps: A tool that might be too late for use this Hanukkah, but can always be used for next: The Pocket Menorah. The size and shape of a credit card, it’s meant to be carried with you so that you’re never caught off-guard at sundown. Just flip the chanukkiah up, and ta-da!: You’re ready to say Brachah with the best of ‘em. Flatten the card when you’re through, and it’s ready for another night of action.

It’s a product so brilliant, only a nice Jewish boy could have thought of it. His mother must be very proud.

The Christmas Crap Countdown: Day 12

Day 12: Squirrel Coffee Cup

All those squirrels you see outside the kitchen window when you’re sitting down with your morning cup of joe? Heads up, bub: It’s the java they smell. Screw the acorns and bird seed; what they’re really hoping is that you’ll toss some Dark Sumatra Blend their way.

With the holidays and the cold weather here, what better way to say, “Hey, furry little woodland pals, thanks for giving my day a lift” than by giving their day a little lift–with a cup of hot coffee in their own special little cups? Such a nice way to keep their strange little clawed hands warm…and those high-speed chases around the tree trunk will take on new, turbo-charged charm with a little caffeine thrown in. Get out the stopwatch—those critters are going to break a new land speed record.

This is an actual squirrel using an actual Squirrel Coffee Cup. But whether he’s actually drinking coffee or tea is anyone’s guess.

Just be sure to tell those squirrels to keep their gift on the low-down, or else you’ll have raccoons and skunks lined up at dawn outside your kitchen window to order double soy decaf mocha lattes to go.